Im not ok again

Discussion in 'Off-topic' started by lolcatpink, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. lolcatpink

    lolcatpink Pink VIP Pink VIP Seasoned Adventurer Adventurer Oldtimer

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    Some of you may know about my depression, well among other things aha..
    well
    When i was younger i started hearing another persons voice in my head and i did not know what would happen from there. didnt help that my father was an alcoholic and never understood just said it was bullshit. He began to torment me through my years making me black out and waking to cut up arms, almost happened today. now when i get really depressed i have multiple breakdowns and he yells so loud im tired of hearing it i just want to die. hes won iv lost. i cant handle it anymore i just want escape.

    So if i never return just know you guys were my parents
    i never had any, and i grew up on this forum.
    You are all wonderful friends and i owe you all a lot.
    So thanks for my childhood
    Cat signing of aincrad
    nicholi signing out of life.
     
  2. SilverMagix

    SilverMagix

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    Hey there, as someone who's fought a depression for over 9 years I just want to tell you my thougths on why I think you shouldn't end it here. You don't have to listen to me, just consider my opinion :).

    I've also had abusive parents. My mom and dad divorced when I was like 1 year old, and when I was 7 (after living with my mother for those 6 years) she went to Gouda (a city in the Netherlands) to live with my stepdad. He abused me. He cut me, he pushed me, he hit me. He had his own cafe, and we lived above that cafe. Often when he had an argument with my mom, he'd lash out on me and I still have bruises from that. I grew up thinking things like "once I'm grown up I'll fucking kill him", "I'll kill myself to get rid of this pain", "I don't want to go on any further". I was around 8 when I started getting these thoughts. I started cutting myself as well, and acting violent to others as my complete trust in humans had been destroyed. I trusted no one, and lived for myself and didn't give a damn about others. I have tried killing myself several times, and I don't think I'll ever truly get that out of my head.

    I did get a 1-year break from my depression though, but it came back worse than ever before. This time I had problems in school. Once again, multiple suicide attempts, none of which worked. I know just about every doctor at my local hospital by now :x. I still don't do well in big groups, I still prefer staying home instead of going outside, and I can easily get consumed by bad thoughts and voices (which I assume is something you and I share) thoughts. However, I still try to live. Even though life sucks, especially if you're still living with your parents and they are horrible parents, but try to find something to live for. For me, it's my grand piano. I've been playing the piano for a while as a way of "escaping" life, and my dad decided, probably as an attempt to give me a reason to live, agree to me using my college money (not all of it. It's money that he's been saving up for me since I was born to use for future college. ) to buy a grand piano for me. I was so happy at that moment. I think that was the only time in all those 9 years that I was truly happy, that I was able to smile. I am 100% sure that that piano is the biggest reason I'm alive right now.

    Obviously, you'll have to find your own reason, but there is Always a reason to live. Maybe you just haven't found it yet. Don't listen to all those people saying "it'll get better once you move out" or "just hang in there". I know it's tough. Especially mentally, it's crushing, depression is a killer. However, I know it can be frustrating to hear those kind of things like "just hang in there" from others like it's nothing. However, you'll have to keep struggling, and one day you will be able to forget about your parents (or at least your father). Some, like you and I, have to struggle more than others, yet we all have the chance to live a succesful live. Ending it early is pointless as you'll come to regret it if there is anything like an afterlife. You shouldn't throw in the towel and say "I've lost.". Keep struggling, until you get to the point where you can be proud and say you've finished your struggle. Now the good part of life begins. For you and I that moment will come. Sooner or later, I promise you it will come :).

    I know this is your business, and I should stay out of it, but I just wanted you to hear my opinion on the matter. If you truly think that, even after reading this post and rethinking about what you truly want, you want to end your life, then I guess there is no other option. However, you shouldn't end your life just because you have horrible parents. They're not a permanent thing in your life. I don't want to see my stepdad ever again either, and I haven't seen him for over a year now, and I never will again. The same can apply to you.

    Thanks for at least taking the time to read this, and best of luck to you. Even though I'm not an AoA veteran, and haven't been around the forum for years, there are so many people here who you can talk to or have fun with. Wouldn't it be a waste to let that all go? :)
     
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  3. Kasegawa

    Kasegawa Purple VIP Purple VIP Pink VIP Knight Young Knight Seasoned Adventurer Oldtimer

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    Holy good god talk about Age of Depression, reminds me of the good old days
     
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  4. lolcatpink

    lolcatpink Pink VIP Pink VIP Seasoned Adventurer Adventurer Oldtimer

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    Thanks for that... I really needed it.
    But as for the parent thing it kinda kust turned into my gf doing the same.
    Mentally and psyichally for the past 5 months of our horrid relationship .
    I took my so much to leave...
    And now i csnt do it anymore.
    I undersrand what your saying i personally hate the idea of suicide...isuicide...iv lost somany friends to it but its hard ro hold on when it feels like theres another person inside you with its own wants and desires
    Iv been fighting so long why us.
    Like im so tired of fighting...i dont want to anymore...
     
  5. PhantomFury

    PhantomFury Young Knight Seasoned Adventurer

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    I can't really say I've experienced depression first hand and would rather not feel it if I had the choice so I can probably only give you the most cliché of motivations. Yet I know that those motivations won't get you anywhere since you are probably apathetic to your surroundings and me telling you those clichés would only serve to fustrate you, so I'm gonna save those kinds of BS as well. So riding off Silver's statement and mixing it from what I know from testimonies, fight it! Even if it is like you are the only person in the detatched world, fight it! Your girlfriend being an ass for the past 5 months? Doesn't matter anymore since you are all you got! There are people like you out there so once you push through this crushing weight, maybe you can return Silver's favor and pull another person out of their pit of despair. Well, that's all the rhetoric I can give as an outsider, it's up to you and the fight now,
     
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  6. Frgotenpower

    Frgotenpower Halloween VIP Halloween VIP Teal VIP Red VIP Rainbow VIP Purple VIP Pink VIP Light Purple VIP Green VIP Brown VIP Dark Green VIP Cyan VIP Adventurer Alpha Key Holder

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    I agree with Phantom, though I have experienced severe depression since 5th grade and been where you are so so many times. It does get better as long as you fight it. Your situation is tough but from experience and other people, I know. It Will Get Better! It will be hard but as long as you fight it does get better it won't be immediate. But it truly does get better. It may be hard to believe the current time you feel yourself in, but just struggle through till the end. And if you ever need someone to talk to I will gladly help someone out in your situation with whatever I can do.
    I believe in you!
     
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  7. Frgotenpower

    Frgotenpower Halloween VIP Halloween VIP Teal VIP Red VIP Rainbow VIP Purple VIP Pink VIP Light Purple VIP Green VIP Brown VIP Dark Green VIP Cyan VIP Adventurer Alpha Key Holder

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    Also thank you, everyone who is here talking to guy and helping him out. :D
     
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  8. lolcatpink

    lolcatpink Pink VIP Pink VIP Seasoned Adventurer Adventurer Oldtimer

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    Thank you all i truly appreciate it.
    You all give me hope.
    Gotta love the aoa family